02 August 2013

Who cares? I don't.

So, nagsimula na ang classes at thrice ko pa lang siya nakikita. Well, good thing for me because it will help me to move on. I don't know for him. And I won't even bother ask.


Natutuwa ako because my best friend told me that I'm changing -- for the good. I'm not like the old me that gets bitter every time she hears his name. I'm beginning to like what I am now -- not that soft girl anymore, but not the bitchy one. I'm becoming strong everyday.


I'm trying to stop caring for him. At least I'm slowly releasing excess baggage in my life. My inspiration for that are my friends. Nakakatawa kasi they're more affected on what happened to my relationship that I am. I think that it were they who can't really move on. Jezel always call him using my name, saying, "Para maalala niya palagi yung katangahan niyang pang-iiwan sa'yo." Nannie said that Clark really hates him, including his friends. "Sarap sungal-ngalin niyang si Arvin!" He said.


I'm not asking them to do those things. I don't want to sound bitchy but I'm actually glad they do. Seems like they fight for me, because I don't really want to be in trouble. It shows that they care for me, well, as far as I can see, they do.


Moving on is actually really hard. But I think you just need to have a lot of support from the people around you. Also, try to get yourself immuned with the topic about him. I was thinking if anger or hatred is the only thing I need to do this. But I think I don't need it anymore.


So, who cares about him? Well, I don't.

06 June 2013

Concerned

Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti nung sinabi sa akin ni Ate Jobelle na pumayag si Arvin sumama sa swimming namin.

Humingi kasi ako ng favor kay Ate Jobs na sabihin sa kanya na may swimming kami sa Monday. Sabi ko huling favor ko na yun na tungkol sa kanya.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman talaga yun pinapasabi dahil gusto ko siyang makita. Tinataguan ko nga eh. Gusto ko siyang umattend ng meeting namin para makapagswimming siya, dahil alam kong gustung-gusto niya yun at bihira lang siyang magkaroon ng chance.

Kahit anong explain ko sa kanila, mukhang hindi sila maniniwala na yan talaga yung reason ko. Kahit sarili ko ayaw maniwala. Haaaay. Hindi ko naman ineexpect na kakausapin niya ako dun eh. Inaasahan ko nga na hindi niya ako papansinin at iiwasan niya lang ako buong activity. Okay lang yun sa'kin. Wala naman na kaming kahit ano eh. Ang mahalaga, makita ko siyang masaya.

Kahit anong gawin ko, concerned pa rin ako sa kanya. At hindi pa rin nawawala kung anomang nararamdaman ko.

How To Know

Kanina, nagkayayaan kumain. After nun, nagpahinga kami sa Sunken Garden hanggang inabot kami ng gabi. Nagkaroon ng mini game at ang matatalo ay tatanungin. Isang round natalo ako, at eto na nga ang mga tanong nila sa akin. Puro tungkol sa kanya.

Maya-maya, hindi na naglaro, nagkakwentuhan na lang. Andami nilang tinatanong sa akin dahil sa amin, ako daw ang mukhang expert o may experience pag dating sa 'love'. Tinatanong kasi nila ako kung paano malalaman kung in love ka na.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. Kasi naman nung nalaman kong in love ako, naramdaman ko na lang yun. Wala namang pasabi na mahal ko na pala siya nun.

Sumagi sa isipan ko kaninang pauwi kung paano mo nga malalaman na mahal mo na ang isang tao. Nakaisip ako ng ilang signs.
~You see yourself growing old together.
~You are willing to sacrifice for him/her. You don't take his/her favor as a 'favor' but a selfless service to him/her.
~Just the thought of him/her leaving you breaks your heart.

Pero hindi lang yan. I'm very sure there a lot more than those signs. Ang hirap kasi ng ganyan eh. Kusa mo na lang kasing mararamdaman yan. Na para bang *dug* *dug* *dug* yung beat ng puso every time you see him/her. Yung pakiramdam niyan is really different from having a crush or just an infatuation.


Nung malapit na ako sa dorm, naisip ko itong mga ito.

I love the way he talks to me

The way he smiles to me

I love it when he holds and kisses my hands

And when he hugs me and tells me he'll never leave

I love his intelligence

I also love his ignorance

I love his imperfections

He may not be perfect but my love covers every flaw

I love everything about him

And that's how I know I love him

But he's gone and won't come back to me.


Sabi na nga ba't dapat iwasan ko na ang pagtambay ngayong sem eh. Ayoko ng ganitong topic. Umiiyak lang ako. Pinipilit kong kalimutan yung mga bagay na yun pero kusa lang silang bumabalik. Parang ayaw nilang matanggal sa utak ko.

20 May 2013

Immaturity Is A Contagious Disease

I HATE IT! I SO MUCH HATE IT!


Ayaw ko talaga sa mga taong nag-iimbento ng istorya para lang may masabi sila, para lang may maicomment sila. Napakainsensitive! Nakakainis!

Chinat ako ng mama ko, sabi niya kung hindi daw ba ako kumakain minsan. Yun daw kasi ang sabi ni tita sa kanya. Kulang daw yung pinapadala ni mama na allowance sakin kaya hindi daw ako nakakakain minsan. Ano na namang kalokohan yun?! Well, minsan hindi talaga ako kumakain, sinasadya ko yun. Pero saan naman niya nakuha yun? Eh hindi ko naman yun sinasabi sa kanya, ah? Nag-iimbento. Siguro dati yun. Pero hindi ngayon. Kainis talaga. Nappressure tuloy mama ko. Alam kong hirap na siya sa pagttrabaho eh. Iniiwasan ko siyang ipressure. Hay nako. Hindi na nga ako nagsasalita, tapos ganyan. Ano ba siya? SPEAKER ko ba siya? Hindi naman, ah?! Amp. Kainis.

Minsan pakialamera din yun eh. Ayoko na lang talagang magsalita. Wala rin naman akong magagawa kasi siya lang din naman ang sumusuporta samin nina Mama, especially financial. Ang mahirap nga lang, kada tulong niya, may sumbat na kasama! Nako! Hindi yun papayag na malalamangan siya! Hindi rin papayag na matalo siya sa discussion, kahit obvious naman na mali siya. Tapos minsan sobrang kung makapagcomment naman, wagas! kala mo alam niya lahat ng nangyayari. Pero hindi ko rin naman masisi, kasi alam ko namang concerned lang siya samin. Pero nakakainis parin minsan!

Isa pa, kaya nappressure si Mama dahil naman kay Papa. Eto namang tatay ko, wala nang ginawa kundi siraan si Mama sa FB! Panira talaga ng buhay yang Facebook na yan eh! Alam kong may nagawang kasalanan si Mama. Pero hindi naman kailangang siraan niya eh. Yung mga b*tch na naninira kay mama, sinusuportahan pa niya! Walanghiya naman oh! Eh if I know yung mga b*tch na yun eh may gusto kay Papa. Ano ba namang klaseng asawa yan?! Imbes na suportahan, inilulugmok pa! Nagsisisi na nga yung tao eh! Kung anu-ano mga pinagpopost niya sa FB. Puro ka-emohan at kung anu-ano pa. Daig pa ang teenager na iniwan ng boyfriend! Nakakahiya! Ano ba yan?! SOBRANG IMMATURE DIN! Siya pa nag-iimbento ng kwento laban kay mama. Ano ba naman yan? OMG mahiya ka nga! Parang hindi ka magulang! Kaya in-unfriend ko siya sa FB eh. Sawang-sawa na ako makakita ng mga maddrama niyang post na ayaw niyang tigilan. Bwiset!

Kapag naman umuuwi ako sa bahay, ambait-bait niya tingnan. Nilalambing niya si Mama na parang walang nangyari. Hindi niya kasi siya aware na alam ko na pala yung family problem namin. Tinatago nila sa'kin yun kasi ayaw daw nila akong madamay. Aw how sweet. PERO FCK! Bwiset kainis! Hindi sweet yun! Buti sana kung maganda yung resulta eh. EH HINDE! Fake lahat ng pinapakita nila sa'kin eh. Feeling ko nga mas marunong pa akong mag-ayos ng pamilya kaysa sa kanila eh.

Naiinis ako! Minsan naaawa din naman ako kay Papa. Ginagawa din naman niya ang best niya eh. Pero sa tuwing naaalala ko kung gaano kakitid ang utak niya, nawawala lahat. Feeling ko nag-give up na ako sa kanya. Hindi na ako umaasa na magiging matino pa ang pamilya namin dahil sa ginagawa niya. Kawawa naman yung mga kapatid ko. Baka mahawa sila sa pag-iisip ni papa.

Akala ba nila sila lang may problema? Ako rin naman, ah? Pero hindi ko rin naman masabi. Kasi wala akong masyadong tiwala sa kanila. Paano nila maiintindihan yung mga problema ko, eh immature sila? Makakatulong ba sila? Hindi! Baka nga dumagdag pa eh! Eh baka ako pa nga makasolve ng mga problema nila eh. ANO BA YAN?!

Ayoko ng ganito. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Kasi dapat igalang ng anak ang mga magulang niya di ba? Kahit na  ano pang nagawa nilang mali, dapat mo pa ring igalang. Hindi ko alam. Kaya nga hindi ako umuuwi sa bahay eh. Kasi hindi ko alam kung paano ako magpapanggap na hindi ako nasasaktan. Panganay ako. Ang hirap. Kasi nasa akin ang burden kahit na itago nila sakin. Paano naman yung mga kapatid ko kapag hindi ako umuwi samin? Pero pag-umuwi naman ako, malamang masasagot ko lang sila ng pabalang dahil sa sobrang bwiset. Baka hindi ko lang sila igalang. Maybe I'll just do it my own way. I'll just shut up and not speak to them. Baka sakaling makasurvive ako. Sana makasurvive din mga kapatid ko.

Distractions

Mukhang napapadalas ang pag-oovernight/sleepover ko kung saan-saan. Hehe. Last Friday sa Rizal, then last night sa bahay ng best friend ko. Hmm. Wala lang. Nakakatamad lang umuwi. And besides, I don't have anything to do at the dorm (except of course to study).

Also, recently, sunud-sunod na yung pagbabasa ko ng stories sa Wattpad. nagugulat na lang daw sila kasi bigla akong magcocomment/magsasalita out of nowhere or out of the topic. Bukambibig ko daw yung mga characters, lalo na sa She's Dating the Gangster (specifically, Kenji and Athena). Weird ba? Eh anong gusto nila? Okay na ganito ako kaysa naman babalik na naman ako sa dating ako na puro yung lalaking kumag ang bukambibig. You know that? At least sa kababasa ko, feeling ko napapasok ako sa mundo ng mga characters. So I don't have to mind my real world for a while. Pati, it gives me an idea of what my ideal man should really be. 

I need friends. I need distractions. I need to change. Nagpagupit na nga ako ng maikli eh. Dati ayaw na ayaw kong ipagalaw yung buhok ko. But it gave me confidence. New aura. Bumata daw ako tingnan. That's good! Hehe. New look, too! :)

A step towards moving on? Deal. That's what I really need. One step at a time. I can do this. :)

19 May 2013

Always You


The best thing is to move on and accept things as they are. -Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries



18 May, 6:30PM

Just got home from a night swimming and sleepover in celebration of a friend's debut. It was my first time swimming while raining. I also missed home-cooked food! Her mom cooked food for our dinner last night, and breakfast and lunch for this day. Sulit pamasahe! :3

I met new friends - her friends from Laguna. It was fun being with them. Sasakit tyan mo katatawa. There were times when I couldn't relate to what they were talking about, but still I laughed.

In our sleepover, I just noticed that there were lots of couples. I have nothing against it. In fact, I was happy seeing them. Nakakakilig nga eh. But the thing I hated was that every time I see them, I remember Arvin.

FCK. The heck, Arvin? What's with you? You're always everywhere. Why do I always think of you? Why do I always remember you? I AM TRYING REALLY HARD TO FORGET EVERYTHING! TO FORGET YOU! But still, why does it always have to be you?

I knew you've moved on. A long time ago. But when would I be able to do the same? Why won't you let me do the same?

Why?

18 May 2013

Feels Like Forever

What hurts more, leaving you because he cheated on you or leaving you without any reason?

In my opinion, it would be 'leaving you without any reason'.


You just don't do that - come into somebody's life, make them care, then checkout. -Dale Horvath, The Walking Dead S01E06


March 15, 2013, a day after our 11th monthsary. I haven't seen him for three weeks that time. No text, no messages, no signs of Arvin. Not even his shadow.

I knew that we were near the end of it. I kinda prepared myself for anything that would happen. When we first broke up, I thought there won't be any second chance. But there was. I welcomed him once again with one hello and I was aware that I had say goodbye any time soon.

I decided that I would be the one to finish this. I would be the one to let go. I was tired of always being the one left behind. I went to his classroom and waited for him outside. He didn't knew I was there.

When their class was over, I approached him. One last time, I said. He led me to the place where we can talk. Every step broke my heart into pieces. I knew it was about to end.

We talked about everything. We talked about how it came to this. I realized that fighting all the time isn't healthy for a relationship. But not fighting at all isn't healthy, too. In our case, we never fought for anything. I thought at first it was a good sign of a healthy and strong relationship. But I was wrong. We also lacked communication. And still keeping secrets. It seemed like we didn't trust each other.

I gave my reasons. He gave his. But to tell you honestly, I didn't really understand everything he said. It was like when a teacher asked his class if they understand the lesson, the class would say 'yes'. But when you asked them one by one, they won't be able to answer anything.

His reasons weren't valid for me. His problems, I could give him moral support for those. I might not be able to help him materially, but at least he knew that I was there for him. But he won't accept that. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to carry all his burden alone. He said I didn't do anything wrong. It was his fault, he said, not mine.

I saw him once after that moment. It was the Wednesday after that day. We were in a meeting in our org. The boys are seated separated from the girls. My eyes were closed by suddenly opened when I heard his voice. I looked at him but he was looking away. After the meeting, I didn't say anything. He didn't bother saying 'hi' to me. What for?



May 15 - it's been already exactly two months since we broke up. I haven't seen him since that day but it feels like forever. I thought everything was so long ago. But when I look at the calendar, I realize everything was still fresh. I still can remember everything we've been through. I'm moving on. I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing pretty well. But I really can't deny the fact that I'm still not over him. Not yet.


Why come back when you'll still leave?

Since the last time I was with him feels like forever...